Despicable Me: Minion Mayhem/Transcript

First Preshow
The preshow begins with Gru standing in front of the camera.

Gru: Testing... Testing... A-oo-wee-a-hoo-ha. [clears his throat] Greetings, recruits. Welcome to my home. I am Gru, master villain, scourge of humanity. So, you want to be a Minion? Your training will begin soon, but be warned: danger lurks [sinisterly] at every turn.

Suddenly, Agnes chasing after Gru's pet, Kyle, enters the room, forcing Gru to leap away from the camera.

Agnes: Kyle! Come here, Kyle!

Gru: Agnes, please! Please! Uhh... Daddy's trying to be evil!

''Meanwhile, Edith and Margo also enter the room. Edith sticks her tongue out at the camera while Margo approaches Gru with curiosity.''

Margo: [scoffs] What are you doing?

Gru: [irate] I am trying to... [gets cut off once noticing Agnes, who's holding Kyle in front of the audience]

Agnes: [singing] Who's the cutest puppy in the world?

Agnes temporary sticks Kyle, causing his tongue to create a smudge before she starts chasing again.

Gru: [sighs] Now, where was I?

Noticing the smudge, Margo approaches the camera, breathes on and cleans it with her shirt.

Gru: [looks behind Margo in suspicion] Margo!

Margo: What? There was a smudge.

Suddenly, they both notice Edith, this time holding up a clown-like sock puppet.

Edith: [with a deep voice] I am Evil Clown! Fear my red nose! Mwa-ha-ha-ha!

''When the mayhem continues, Margo looks at Edith, satisfied. Gru, however, is insecure.''

Gru: THAT'S ENOUGH!

The girls calm down.

Gru: Girls, will you please just let me do this?! [gestures to the audience]

Edith: Oh! We're just trying to keep things interesting.

Margo motions Agnes to listen to Gru.

Agnes: [disappointed] Sheesh.

Gru: [calmly] Okay, just... just be still. Don't say anymore... words. [clears his throat; to the audience] These are my daughters. Say hello briefly.

Edith: Hello out there!

Margo: S'up?

Agnes: [singing] Greetings from the television!

Gru: Anyway, let's begin. We're going to start with a written exam. [snaps his fingers, signaling a Minion holding a stack of paper sheets] The test should be no longer than three hours! You do this exam and depart! Ha ha!

Margo: [cuts him off] Hey, hey!

Gru: [turns to Margo] Hmm?

Margo: [quietly] We're not doing a written exam, remember?

Gru: [calms down] What? We're not? Oh, right. [to the Minion] We ditched that.

The Minion leaves.

Gru: Hopefully, you were given your Minion Goggles. [holds up a pair of 3D-glasses out of his pocket]

The video shows a blueprint of the goggles, then Dr. Nefario showing a variety of models to a Minion, who shakes his head no.

Gru: [voice-over] These goggles were designed by our own lovable and disturbingly old scientist Doctor Nefario. After spending months, assembling the latest in eye-wear technology, he would not rest until the perfect model of goggles. Doctor Nefario was looking for functionality, comfort and a little bit of flair. Finally, he chose the chic, but sensible goggles that you're holding in hot little hands.

''However, the Minion who Dr. Nefario is showing goggles to is asleep of boredom and falls out of the chair. Dr. Nefario simply shrugs. The video then reveals two Minions, each holding a hammer, manufacture a pair of Minion Goggles.''

Gru: [voice-over] We went them through the most restrained testing to ensure maximum quality and durability.

''The tall Minion examines the 3D-glasses before giving a thumbs-up. In response, the short Minion hit his friend's thumb with the hammer, smiling innocently. The video then goes over to a Minion wearing goggles being tested.''

Gru: [voice-over] We had to make sure that they could withstand any outside force.

''The Minion wearing goggles becomes hit by a laser beam harmless. Once covered in soot and ash, the Minion takes off the glasses and gives a thumbs up. The video now reveals a dozen minions, with one of them wearing goggles and standing on a mold.''

Gru: [voice-over] Oh, yes!

The tall minion gets hit and groans, but another minion picks up the goggles and find out the goggles aren't broken, so the minions cheer.

Gru: [voice-over] Those babies were built to last!

''Finally, the last shot reveals a tall Minion, also with goggles. There's a cactus next to the minion.''

Gru: [voice-over] You have Nefario's guarantee: the goggles will last five times longer...

The Minion waves and exclaims until an explosion occurs.

Gru: [voice-over] ...than the person wearing them.

''The blown up Minion reveals his pair of goggles to others nearby. The video ends, now revealing the Gru family; each member holds a pair of 3D-glasses in his/her hands.''

Gru: You must wear the goggles once you're seated in the Transformation Pods, but remember...

''A safety spiel shows two Minions holding goggles. One puts his on already and tries to walk around but totters.''

Gru: [voice-over] Do not put on the goggles until you're told to do so, or this could happen...

The Minion hits a chemical reactor while the other (tall) minion laughs.

Gru: [voice-over] I'm not saying this will happen,...

Then the Minion hits the camera, still tottering.

Gru: [voice-over] Just that it COULD happen,...

He hits a rake and groans.

Gru: [voice-over] ...and if it did, it would be funny... to me.

''The Minion accidentally presses a button on the ground, which causes several bombs to drops on him. A second later, a larger bomb hits the Minion, making the tall minion laugh.''

Gru: [voice-over] You'd be too busy getting hit by things to appreciate it.

The second shot reveals two Minions standing in front of water.

Gru: [voice-over] In the event of a water landing,...

Once one of the Minions kicks the one wearing goggles into the water, the latter starts struggling.

Gru: [voice-over] ...your goggles can be used a flotation device.

''The Minion's goggles suddenly inflate to keep him afloat. The plump Minion laughs until a large bomb drops on him. The third shot shows two Minions having dinner; one takes off the goggles off the one next to him and sprays some jalapeno on one of the lenses.''

Gru: [voice-over] However, at the event of a dinner party, goggles cannot be used to hold cheese and/or jalapeno dip.

The Minion takes a chip and digests it after dipping, but soon his face turns red because he can't bear the acrid taste.

Gru: [voice-over] Ever.

''The minion that is not eating start laughing at the other until he's sprayed with fire from the other minion's mouth. The former is covered with soot.''

Gru: [voice-over] It's gross.

''A fourth shot reveals a tall Minion wearing his goggles like a bra and strikes a pose. Another shows up and laughs at the former, before he reveals his goggles on his bottom.''

Gru: [voice-over] If you are unsure of how to put on the goggles, ask a lab assistant. But come on... who doesn't know how to put these things on?

''A final shot shows a one-eyed Minion trying to dons a pair of goggles. But once realizing he can't, the Minion starts to cry until a possibly five-eyed Minion approaches.''

Gru: [voice-over] If your number of eyes does not match the number of lenses, please tell a lab assistant. We have Minion Goggles for every ocular variety.

''The assistant gives the Minion a pair of Minion Goggles designed like a monocle. Proud of his model, the Minion, overjoyed, hugs the assistant, much to his astonishment.''

Gru: [voice-over] Enjoy your Minion Goggles, future-Minions!

The safety spiel ends, now revealing the Gru family.

Gru: Okay! Got all that? Good! Do as I say, heed my words, or pay the price!

Margo: And have fun!

Edith: [in a deep voice] It's gonna be great! Mwa-ha-ha-ha!

Agnes: [pulling Gru's mouth] Come on! Smile, Gru!

The girls pull Gru's mouth to make him look like he is smiling.

Gru: [sighs] I hate smiling.

The video ends, now revealing Gru's logo onscreen.

Announcer: [voice-over] This a motion simulator involving sudden and extreme movement. Expectant mothers and individuals with heart, back or neck conditions, abnormal blood pressure, or those prone to motion sickness or dizziness are advised not to ride this attraction. For your safety, please remain seated, hold on to the lap restrain and keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times. Please supervise children to ensure everyone has the right seat. Children may not sit on lap. Secure all loose items. Finally, the use of still or video cameras is not permitted.

The doors that lead to the Minionisation Prep Room open.

Gru: [voice-over] All right, future-Minions. I hope you finally enjoy my pre-recorded message. Let's see how well you take direction! Come meet me in the Minionisation Prep Room so we can all get started. Please stay in your row and move forward, feeling in all the available space in front of you, and so help me. Do not put on your Minion Goggles yet. Don't delay! This is going to be really fun... for me. You all will be great Minions, I can tell. You want to know who is my favorite Minion? You are! Well, you soon will be. Remember: no goggles yet. You don't want to test me on this one, believe me!

Second Preshow
The preshow begins as Gru enters the room, the lights are turned on and two Minions also enter the room.

Gru: So, you're all here because you want to work for me. I usually take this time to interview new recruits one at the time, but I'm working on something really big today, so I'm going to have to do this kind of quick. [clears his throat and goes over some notecards] "Hello, I'm Gru.", "What's your name?", "Where are you from?", "Wow, that might be impressive." [starts scattering the cards] Question, question, question...

He throws the last note card away.

Gru: And, thank you. Anywho...

A Minion holding a blueprint enters the room.

Minion: Boss!

Gru: Uhh... [turns to the audience] One moment.

The Minion hands over the blueprint, and Gru unfold and examines it.

Gru: Mmm-hmm, this is good. But tell Nefario: [rolls up the blueprint] add more dynamite. I want a bigger boom. [hands the blueprint back]

Minion: Bigger boom, okay!

A piece of wadded paper is thrown at the Minion and smacks the one responsible at the buttocks as he leaves.

Gru: You didn't hear that. Anyway, yes. You will be turned into Minions.

The two monitors on the side reveals Dr. Nefario maintaining a giant ray gun of some sort.

Gru: Months ago, my chief scientist Doctor Nefario created a device...

Two actual human figures enter onscreen.

Gru: ...that could turn everyday boring civilians like you, into Minions.

Dr. Nefario fires the ray gun, making the human figures look like a Minion, with Minion-like eyes and yellow skin.

Gru: At first, there were a few minor snags...

''Once seeing the result, the Minions laugh. Dr. Nefario then fires the ray gun at a young boy.''

Gru: ...and a few major snags.

The boy is now a Minion with an unusually long forehead.

Gru: Although, I kind of like that guy...

''The Minion smiles. Then a obese Minion is revealed.''

Gru: ...and that guy.

A Minion with a elephant's trunk is shown.

Gru: [gasps] I love that guy!

The elephant Minion trumpets and happily dances.

Gru: That guy really knows how to party!

The video ends, now showing Gru's logo.

Gru: Don't worry, we finally worked out all of the kinks, as far as you know, and now... you too can become a Minion!

Once noticing the left monitor, now showing several humans entering his house and being Minionized, Gru happily storms off to it.

Gru: Wow! Look at that! I know, right? It's pretty spectacular! Alright, before we...

Several Minions, each holding a gun enter the room.

Minions: Boss!

Gru: [to the audience] One second.

One of the Minions tells Gru something, gesturing at the others.

Gru: Hmm... [points at the Minion near him] This one.

The Minion Gru pointed at laughs and points his water rocket at the other before they start chasing each other out of the room.

Gru: Okay, before we begin your training, we need to do a routine body scan. Can't have bring any human germs into the lab. [pulls out a control panel] It's nothing serious. [fiddling certain buttons] Just some high-density lasers.

''The lasers go off, slowly hovering across the audience from up the ceiling. For their safety, the Minions put off their headsets and put on their infrared visiors.''

Gru: They're very powerful. It will not hurt...me...a bit.

''Suddenly, a alarm starts blaring and the monitors reveal "WARNING". Gru frowns and looks at the control panel.''

Gru: Uh-oh, we have a problem. It appears that some of you have not showered IN LIKE A WEEK! Gross!

The Minions are briefly grossed out.

Gru: Not naming names, but...

The monitor shows a portion of the recruits.

Gru: [points at a portion the audience] ...IT'S THOSE GUYS!

The Minions laugh with it, but once Gru gives each of them a stern glare, they get back to work.

Gru: Lucky for you, I'm in a bit of a time crunch and I'm feeling generous. But you better shower when you get back to your hotel...

The monitor now shows Gru's logo.

Gru: ...and don't go right into the pool! As for the rest of you, if anyone's thinking of backing out, I warn you: I WILL HIT YOU WITH MY FART GUN! [points at the fart gun]

''Once hearing "fart gun", the Minions suddenly cringe. Meanwhile, the fart gun highlights green.''

Gru: Oh, yes! I'm packing "Pistola de Peo"! So what will it be? Minions... or farts?

''But then, Agnes, Margo and Edith respectively enter the room. The first is revealed to be holding a present.''

Edith: [imitating Gru] "Minions... or farts?"

Gru: Ignore them.

Several Minions enter with party supplies; one of them is wearing a party hat.

Minions: Boss!

Gru: Not now!

Minions: Okay...

Gru casually shoos Minions out of the room.

Agnes: [to the audience] Don't be scared of Gru. He's just a BIG, BALD teddy bear!

Gru sighs and stares at the audience blankly.

Margo: Yeah, and no way he'll shoot you with the fart gun.

Gru: [turns to the girls] Oh, no? [presses a button on his control panel]

''The fart gun covers the whole room with an odor. Noticing this, all but Gru, who is smiling at the audience, hold their breaths.''

Edith: [sniffs] Hey, it smells like bananas.

Gru puts the control panel away, while Margo, Agnes and Minions stop holding their breaths.

Minions: B-Banana? [crazily] Banana! Banana! Banana!

The Minions lick on the window like a dog, much to Gru's annoyance.

Gru: Oh, come on! [sighs]

Not even a second later, another group of Minions appear, holding fireworks.

Agnes: [holds up her present] Uh, Gru, I was wondering if I could give you something.

Gru: Aw, sure, sweetie, but can it wait? I'm really behind schedule, and I have to train these guys... [indicates the audience]

Margo: [eager] Oh, can we help?

Gru: [turns to the girls] What?

Edith: Yeah, we can train 'em.

Gru: [thinking] Hmm...

Edith: [impatient] Come on.

Gru: Let me, no. I do not think so.

Edith: [begging] Please?

Gru: No, no. It's very technical.

Edith: Come on! We've seen you do it hundreds of times!

Unaware of it, as soon as the Minions pop up again, Gru tries to keep them out of the room.

Margo: Yeah, it's not like it's rocket science, [briefly indicates the audience] or even fourth grade science.

Edith: Yeah! A trained monkey could it!

Gru:[irate] Alright! [sighs, then turns to the audience] Okay, future-Minions. [indicates his daughters] The girls are going to handle your training.

Out of relief, the girls cheer before all except Agnes, turn to the audience.

Edith: You people are so doomed.

Gru: Oh, don't listen to her. Although, she's usually right. Good luck, everyone! [leaves]

Agnes: But... but, Gru, wait!

Edith: [calmly] He's gone, Agnes.

Agnes: [turns to Margo] It's the anniversary of the day he adopted us. Do you think he forgot?

Margo: Of course not. It will be okay, Agnes. [stands up at full height; seriously] Come on, we got a job to do. [clenches her hands together]

Edith: [pumped up] Let's DO THIS! [fist-pumps]

Margo: [to the audience] Okay, everybody, see you in the lab. [leaves with Agnes in tow]

Edith: This is gonna be GOOD! [follows her sister, imitating a jet]

A safety spiel appears on the monitors, revealing several human figures seating themselves.

Margo: [voice-over] Stay in your row and quickly move down to the last seat. Each pod seats four guests per row. Do not put on your Minion Goggles until told to do so by a lab assistant.

The monitors currently reveal Gru's logo.

Edith: [voice-over] Let's go, people!

The doors leading to the ride room open.

[voice-over]

Edith: Move it, rookies!

Margo: Move on until the last seat in your row, and sit down in the Transformation Pods. Don't be afraid.

Edith: I don't know. [about the audience] They should be kind of afraid.

Margo: Edith!

Edith: Hey. You're in a top secret villain's lair. Things happen.

Margo: If you don't want to move around during the training, please tell a lab assistant about the stationary seats located in the front of the lab. [quietly] These are also known as inventions.

Agnes: It says here, "Don't take pictures or videotapes". Wait! What's videotape?

Margo: It means no movies. Once in your seats, remove everything from your lap, including children.

Edith: And then the lap bar will come.

Agnes: It's like getting a hug from a big metal bar.

Margo: If you feel uncomfortable in any way, please note it by a lab assistant.

Edith: Once in your seat, PUT ON THOSE GOGGLES! This is where things get GOOD!

Agnes: [singing] We're gonna give Gru his present!

The doors close.

Ride
''The ride begins when a pair of giant steel doors open, revealing Gru's laboratory, with a monitor revealing part of the audience. Two Minions are seen carrying a control panel, and another, Kevin, maintains the Minionizer. The girls fly out to the audience, using a rocket-powered hovercraft which Margo maintains.''

Margo: Ready? Great! Prepare to be minionized.

The Minion Transformation Pods automatically rise and become capable of movement.

Edith: [points to the audience] Zap 'em, Kevin!

Kevin: Ah, okay.

''The girls hover behind the monitor, while Kevin adjusts the Minionizer before firing at audience in a circle. At the same time he turns the gun off, the girls reappear behind the monitor, now revealing the riders as Minions.''

Margo: [impressed] Wow! It worked.

Agnes: Aw! They're so cute!

The Minions, including Kevin, laugh at the riders briefly once seeing their new form.

Margo: Okay! Let's begin your training!

Agnes: Have fun, Minions!

Margo: You're now in the Minion Training Grounds.

Margo: This is where we test your strength, speed and ability to not die.

Agnes: Look out, Minions! Don't get flyswatted!

Edith: Avoid the lasers,... or be DOOMED!

Agnes: HE'S SO FLUFFY!

Margo: Well done, Minions. Now it's time to test your problem solving and teamwork skills.

Agnes: [sing-song] Find a way across!

Several Minions create a hand-like chain until several grab the other side.

Margo: Go, Minions, go!

The two Minions hanging on the engine swing off to the chain, allowing them to walk to the other side.

Agnes: These are the best Minions EVER!

Edith: [holding a fishing rod] Resist the banana!

Minions: Banana? [crazily] Banana! Banana! Banana!

Agnes: Fight the urge!

Edith: Whoa!

Margo: [o.s.] This is bad!

Gru: [through a monitor] Hey! What are you doing in a restricted area?!

Margo: Minions! We gotta get you out of here!

Minion: Uh-oh.

Agnes: No! Minions, save Gru's present!

Agnes: [struggling] Almost there...

Margo: Got it!

Agnes: Yay!

Gru: Don't worry! I got you!

Agnes: So is now a good time to give you my present?

Gru: Honey, seriously, not the perfect time...

''From out of nowhere, a giant hammer knocks Gru off the hovercraft. The girls move on until they stop at a conveyor belt.''

Gru: I'm okay!

Margo: It's okay.

Edith: Except we're floating!

Margo: In the Anti-Gravity Recycling Room?!

''Abruptly, a large robot arm rises and pushes the girls from under them, who immediately grab on to it. Unfortunately, they encounter yet another hazard.''

Agnes: Oh, no!

''The girls struggle to avoid the surrounding machinery. At the same time, the robot arm reaches a crusher.''

Margo: Everyone, just hold on!

Agnes: NO!

She struggles to free herself from Margo's tight grasp and floats off.

Margo: [concerned] AGNES!!

Agnes: Hey!

Agnes: [struggling] Got it!

Agnes: [gasps] Oh, no!

Suddenly, Gru pops up and blocks the crushers with a steel beam, before saving Agnes.

Gru: I got you!

Agnes: Gru!

Gru: Uh-oh!

Edith: Whoa!

Gru: Margo! Edith! Grab my hand!

Gru: [calls out] Minions!

Gru: Girls!

Girls: Gru!

Margo, Edith and Agnes jump into Gru's arms and he hugs them.

Gru: What's this for? [opens the present, revealing a doll of himself] Agnes: I made you a present. It's a little squashed... and burnt.

Gru: It's absolutely perfect...

Gru: ...and I made, you girls, a little something too.

Gru: Happy Anniversary!

Edith: Awesome!

Agnes: You remembered!

Gru: How could I forget the most important day of my life?

Margo: Thank you, Gru!

Gru: Well done, Minions! You did it!

Agnes: Yay!

Gru: Your new life begins right now!

Gru: Aw man! They're human again!

The doors from the beginning close and the lap bars come back up.

Gru: Bring in the next group!